A Message by the Queen

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

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Horse’s Ass

This is fascinating.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with it?’, you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses (Two horse’s asses).  Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass. And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important? Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything … and curently, as we are sure you have noticed, Horse’s Asses are controlling everything else.

{This piece was contributed by a friend and written by someone I don’t know. I posted it just to share it for the fun of it. Apologies to the author for not asking permission before publishing}

Credit Crunch Vs Monkey Crunch


If you have difficulty understanding the current situation world financial, the following should help…

Once upon a time in a village in India  , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10. The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on hi s behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers:  Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

The English Language

The English Language: Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let’s face it. English is a crazy language. There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger, and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, Boxing rings are square. And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth. Shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth, If the teacher taught, Why didn’t the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital; Park on driveways and Drive on parkways?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down; And in which you fill in a form by filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn’t a race at all)

That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible, and why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts, but when I wind up this observation, it ends.

{This piece was contributed by a friend and written by someone I don’t know. I posted it just to share it for the fun of it. Apologies to the author for not asking permission before publishing}

Do You Ever Notice?

It is almost couple of years ago when I walked into First Floor to join Engineering Department and saw a setting of cubicles where bunch of nerds sat on their desks with their eyes glued to their laptop screens. I got a good feeling about it as that seemed to be a typical engineering environment where these guys were busy doing some high tech stuff and I was going to be a part of it. It took me a few months to get to familiarize myself with my new colleagues and the First Floor.

What have we got here?
We have got in the middle, around ten rows of cubicles, each one of them is accommodating at least two people. I always wonder how cool it would be to knock all the cubicles down and put student desks with broad arm where everybody can put their laptop and nag about the teacher who never shows up. At the right most corner there is a big room which has been labeled conference room, which almost never is vacant and God knows what goes on in there. Someone pastes a weekly schedule for this room on the glass door and then there is scribbling on it which makes it hard to understand what is happening there. I have a bright idea to turn that room into entertainment center so that people who really want to change from bitching mode to don’t care mode can go and forget about the rest of the world. Fortunately, we have turned an executive office to a second conference room without much regard to pigeon holes we have got on the rest of the floor. This room however can be found vacant if IT department is not holding lengthy week long socializing cum training sessions.

Who Need Them?

We have couple of executive offices where we have confined some division heads just so that they can shield themselves from the rest of the populace. More than often you can find the doors to these offices closed which makes other people wonder may be their job is not so important. Well these are big guys anyways, the hardship is always for poor guys, meager engineers who really have to show their strong emotions before somebody notices them,

err huh, who are you?
Oh an engineer, sorry mate we don’t care much about the engineers here.

We have got on this floor really good engineers and mid level managers, whose tolerance level has skyrocketed just because our HR doesn’t give a damn about our workplace. These guys keep themselves calm always thinking about positive things that can happen in the future; and the future might be few light years away. They have developed an impeccable level of tolerance and live in their cozy surroundings without ever thinking about it. Every now and then somebody will resign and leave and they will only know when there is a goodbye email arriving in their inbox. They’ll think hard to figure out who the guy is, but cannot recall seeing him on this floor. His goodbye email would be very emotional but heck; he’s leaving and it is supposed to be like that, and the life goes on.

We quite often see new people coming and camping on this floor, but almost never we like to welcome them; not just because we hate to see new engineers but because these people sometimes leave before we have a proper introduction. And exactly why do these people leave? We have no idea about that, but it may have something to do with the situation of the toilets. Management was very generous to allocate two toilets for around, I don’t know how many people? May be hundreds; and keeping in mind this ratio you might be able to see some people walking around with their pants wet, which may or may not be disgusting to others. Yet we are so considerate that we squeeze in a few internees too. Well I am not offended by the presence of internees, but rather the idea of these internees spending their summer in nice and cool environment which can become humid just because of our generous toilet situation.

Beside engineers and managers we have a tea room, few tea boys, an air-conditioning unit, few security guards, pool car drivers, few coordinators, a photocopy machine and photocopy operator, water cooler, printers, chairs, telephone sets; analog and IP ones, a secretive RF Planning room, fans hanging from the pillars, a map titled Roaming Launched, few of our female colleagues, some plants, trophies and shields. What we don’t have is an intelligent compass which can point to a direction where we all should be heading.

HR Policies

Sick Days Policy
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Casual Leave Policy
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use Policy
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders Category”.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy!
You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

E Mail Policy
Don’t read junk, forwarded and cc’ed emails.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

Meet Mr. Dilbert

Dilbert is the most inspiring character in the technology industry for years now. Created by Scott Adams, Dilbert appears daily on dilbert.com. You can find Dilbert and other staff in and around your workplace all the time. As described by Scott Adams:

Dilbert Himself

Dilbert loves technology for the sake of technology. In fact, Dilbert loves technology more than people. He’s got the social skills of a mousepad and he’d rather surf the Internet than Waikiki (which, considering the physique he developed after years of sitting in front of a PC screen, is a blessing).

Read through some of Dilbert’s thoughts below:

Have you ever written status reports for your boss?

Status Report

Remember how every once in a while your department gets reorganized?

RoOrg

Motivational Issues at work.

Motivation

Did you leave your job because of some bad manager?

Exit

Are you an engineer?

Engineer